Etiquette

I know to use the outermost utensils first and work my way in.

I know the fork goes on the left, because my friend once told me "It looks better on the right side doesn't it?" and I said "Ah ha! So it does go on the right!" and she said "No, I meant on the CORRECT side." - Frankly it looks the same to me on either side.

I know my napkin is supposed to go on my lap, but I've never understood that. I don't use a napkin on my lap unless I've been given two.

I need my napkin for my hands, or face, or the table if something drips or spills there. How could I spill something on my lap? It's under the table!

If I must cover my clothes, it makes more sense to me to wear a bib. Or a large tarp. Because what are the odds that something would spill on my lap without getting anywhere else on the way down?